I have followed blogs for a long time. It started with fashion blogs while I was in college, I even had one of my own for a moment. After moving on from that and a couple years down the road, I started reading Christian theological blogs. I started reading about doctrine, controversial topics, and what the Bible is "actually" saying. I say "actually" because it didn't take me very long to realize that all these people on the internet who professed to be Christians seemed to all have a very different understanding about what the Bible is saying.
I began wondering who was right and what I truly believed. I began trying to ask myself these tough questions that I had never thought of before. I began truly reading and searching the doctrines I had tested to be true. I began obsessing over all of these different points of view and dwelt on figuring out what was the "right" one. They couldn't all be right, right? Now, I must add here that most of these questions were not the "fluffier" questions I might've asked a few months prior like, "Is God real?", "How do I know Christianity is the only truth?" And "Do I really believe it?" No, the questions were a little more complex like, "Is there predestination and if so, to what extent?", "Does that include reprobation?", "What does the Bible say about losing your salvation?" and "To what extent is God all sovereign?" As with many things in my life, I began to take it a little too far with these blogs I was reading. I would read them all the time and I would become distressed by the disagreement and discord amongst my brothers and sisters in Christ. I didn't want to spend another second not knowing the truth and not having addressed every question with the answer I found to be true. I began reading these blogs about the bible more than reading my bible. I wanted to get insight from scholars and wise men and to hear their answers to the hard questions. But no matter what, I was still dissatisfied because there was always a blog post just one click away from another wise scholar who had a different opinion. This wasn't working. It was my husband, then fiancé, who urged me to let go of these blogs and go back to the Word. All the searching and reading I was doing was muddling my perception of God. But not just my "idea" of God, but the God that I had known my whole life. The God that had revealed Himself to me time and time again. The God who I knew was all loving. The God that I knew was all sovereign. The God that I knew was just. The God that I knew allowed free will. I knew my God and I knew that He was bigger than our minds could wrap around and justify. "How great is God- beyond our understanding!" Job 36:26. What helped me was realizing that God isn't just one of those attributes, He is all of them. And only He understands how He perfectly harmonizes them all to be entirely true and entirely whole. We cannot fathom this with our human mind. But what I can do is trust. I know my God. So when I began wondering how to set right all of this conflicting doctrine, I held on to the truth that I had seen God reveal in my life. I held on to my God and begged Him to help me understand what I needed to understand and to help me let go of what I couldn't (or didn't need to) understand right then. I put the blogs to rest and began trying to stay more in God's word than man's opinion on God's word. God still helped form my understanding of Him by simply showing me in everyday examples or reminding me of the things He has done for me. Now 9 months later, I'm still away from a lot of the blogs but visit them from time to time. I love doctrine. I love learning and knowing about different doctrine. I love being informed. In the meantime, I have been trying to keep Christ at the center of my life everyday. Let me tell you, it's tough. I get so easily distracted by stupid stuff that doesn't need my attention but I am attracted to it because it's "mindless". I like being on Pinterest, watching YouTube, playing games on my phone, and looking up topics on Google. The point is, after I get home from work, it's hard for me to want to sit down and actively engage in spending time with God. This is the same way I am with people. It takes a lot for me to get off work and want to have plans with a friend. It takes so much energy for me! I'm an extroverted introvert and after using my brain at work all day I like to come home and turn into a big mindless blob on my couch. I say all this because it's been tough for me to use my time wisely and almost daily I get swept over with the guilt of "I could have spent way more time with Jesus today... Why was I so intrigued by something else?" Recently, in my reading, the word "watch" has showed up a lot. Watch means to look or wait attentively or expectantly. Another one of my favorite words is vigilance. Vigilance is the act of being keenly watchful to detect danger. Oh how I need to be watchful and diligent! They are very similar words but also quite different. Watching is awaiting something yet to happen, and being vigilant is the act of being alert and skeptical while you are waiting. You need to be vigilant in your watching. But back to the blog. I just recently began thinking about starting a blog. It'd be a way to share what I believe and my understanding of things and to shed light on some of the lies I believe a lot of my brothers and sisters are believing. But even as I am writing, I realize it helps me to think more critically about what I am learning and form together what I have already learnt. I have to check myself to not get into the mindset of "I'm right and I need to show everybody how wise I am and that I've figured it out and they haven't". Sounds evil, but I don't trust myself to not not have those thoughts. I want to make sure my motives are right. I want to make sure it's just me expressing things that are important to me. But not only that, I hope that what I write brings glory to God. I hope that I can help people think a little deeper. I'm praying over this post as the first planted seed of this blog and praying that any bad motives are stripped and that God will have His way with it. We will see where He takes us.
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About Me:Hello! I'm Roxy. Enjoy reading my thoughts as I strive to understand God's character and truth and admonish it faithfully to His church. Please email at [email protected] with inquiries. Archives
September 2018
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