A coworker and friend came into my office today to do our usual routine of sarcastic banter and playful harassment. Things began to take a more serious turn when she began to disclose that people were talking about me in this morning's manager meeting. Two women began saying hurtful things about me in front of my boss, my administrator, and other corporate bosses that happened to be there this morning, too. The worst part was that one of the women was my friend and fellow Believer. I felt hurt, betrayed, back-stabbed, and like I wanted to go start a fight. I wanted to go and confront her and hurt her like she did me. I wanted to let her know that I know who she is now and that I don't respect her. I wanted to start a conflict. I have a weird relationship with conflict. Most of me hates it. A small part of me loves it. Typically, conflict impacts my body physically. Heat radiates off my body like a new sunburn made ripe by a hot shower. My chest turns red and splotchy. But the worst part is my stomach. I don't mean to get vulgar here, but my nerves have always been connected to my stomach. I remember back in the days when I was a swimmer, I would arrive at my swim meet, walk through the door, and have to walk straight to the restroom because my nerves would instantly kick in. If I am anticipating some type of conflict that I know is going to ensue, I get sick to my stomach.
Now, the "love" part of the equation isn't me loving getting sick to my stomach, or loving looking like I have hives lacing up my neck, it's more the heat of the moment before the conflict occurs. We have all been there: We've been wronged, we know we are right, we have the most powerful argument on the tip of our tongues and we can't wait to get there and finally lay it all out on the table...and yet, once we've started, we begin to feel icky, we begin to feel weary, we begin to feel guilty, we begin to wish we'd never begun. Why is that? Or maybe it's just me. There are times that I have created the most perfect argument with all of my bullet-points laid out beautifully, guaranteeing me a "home run." But after saying all that was on my mind, it sometimes feel like I was the one defeated. How could I feel defeated? How could I feel dissatisfied? I had clearly won, right? This afternoon when I was presented with the opportunity to get into a conflict with my friend, there were a couple things that came to my mind. The first thing was that I realized I was hurt because I felt misunderstood and that I didn't get a chance to defend myself, especially in front of my colleagues. The second thing that came to my mind was that plenty of people disapproved of Jesus. Whether they openly chastised Him, or He simply peered into the hardened hearts of those around Him, He knew how many people disapproved, misunderstood and spoke about Him when He wasn't there to defend Himself. But how much time did Christ waste on making sure people didn't ruin His reputation? How much energy did He expel figuring out what to say in response to these people? The fact is, very little. He knew His mission. He knew who He reported to. He knew who was with Him and who was against Him. He just continued leading by example. He knew He would be rejected. He knew He was going to be put to death by these people who hated Him. He knew He had the power to fight back, to win the conflict. But what did Jesus do? He ".. emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant... He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." Philippians 2:7-8. He wasn't here for Himself, He was here to fulfill God's will. He didn't take a new will upon Himself. He stayed focused and remained obedient to the Lord. Not all of that came to my mind right then, I must admit, but the part about how Jesus didn't spend energy defending Himself to people who misunderstood Him did. I didn't need to make it right. I didn't need to go explain myself to her. I didn't need to be mad at her. I needed to extend grace and love her the same. Of course, right after thinking this, I went down there and began to make it a point to let her know that I was ticked about something. But, after leaving the room, I began to feel that dirty and unsatisfied feeling, so I made sure to go back to her office and continued on, not letting on that I had heard anything. I don't believe this was me being "fake" but rather me exercising my obedience to Christ. There is still some bitterness and a part of me that wants revenge, but I want to reject that part of me. These past couple weeks I have encountered a lot of conflict. Some with my husband and others with people in my life who I find hard to love (pray for me). What has been revealed to me this past week or so though is that conflict can be handled graciously. You can still have conflict, you can still set boundaries, you can still have consequences, but you can do it in a loving and gracious manner. I'll admit, sometimes in my conflicts, I say too much. I let my emotions get involved. I think of all I "need" to say to make sure I'm being "honest". But is everything I'm saying tactful (Prov 15:1)? Am I using discretion (Prov 2:11?) Am I using grace (Col 4:6)? Am I encouraging and building up (1 Thess 5:11)? Am I speaking with love (1 Cor 16:14)? Am I doing it for God's glory (Col 3:17)? So often my answers to these questions is "no". Oh how I need to be slower to speak. Remaining a light during conflict requires one important attribute in order to even begin answering those questions above with a "yes": humility. 1 Peter 5:5 says, "Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” What is grace? We know of the saving grace, of us not getting what we deserve, of us having been bought because we could never have been able to pay the price, but grace is also what God gives us to be like Him. It's His grace that makes us speak gently, it's His grace that helps us to love those who are so hard to love, it's His grace that makes us not be the person we once were, and it's by humility that we get to experience this grace. We cannot be like Christ, we cannot shine during conflict or experience any kind of God's grace without first humbling ourselves. That is my prayer. God, please humble me so that I may never hide my light. Help me to take the form of a bond-servant, just like my Lord did. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. -Hebrews 4:16
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About Me:Hello! I'm Roxy. Enjoy reading my thoughts as I strive to understand God's character and truth and admonish it faithfully to His church. Please email at [email protected] with inquiries. Archives
September 2018
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