Sorry, folks. Nothing profound today. Just going to bare my soul a bit. I've lived in the desert for 3 years now and I gladly call it my home. I love the sunshine, the "vibe" (I hate that word but it's the only way I can describe it), our church, the people, and the small town feel it has without losing the amenities. Yep, I've been here a whole three years and if I had a birthday party with all of my friends down here, maybe 3 people would be there. That's hard to admit. Three friends in three years. I was laying in bed last night thinking about that realization and I actually was sad. I felt lonely.
I have expressed in a previous post that I'm an introvert and I love to be alone. I've tried to find the balance amongst being an introvert and being healthy by pursuing friendships and fellowship, but I guess I kind of fail at that! I'm not really sure why it is that I've only made 2 really strong connections in the last 3 years (my 3rd friend is one that I have only recently gotten closer to and we still have a lot to get to know about each other). But I'm ready for more friends. I want to have a birthday party with friends down here someday. I actually could cry thinking about how much I want that right now. I go to women's bible study at church and I have plenty of acquaintances there. But nothing really below the surface level. It's a bit of a larger church, probably around 800, but it's not huge. There are so many women that I will wave at and we will say a quick "hello" as they go and sit at the table with their friends. Many are a bit older than me and have kids that are around the same age and older than Indy (14 months), so maybe these different chapters of life we are in feel like canyons apart. I must clarify: no one has ever been rude, disclusive, or uninviting, I'm just having a bit of a hard time breaking through. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm not as bubbly as I once was in my late teens/early twenties, but it's hard for me to realize that our church is my church. Sometimes I catch myself feeling like an imposter or a visitor or a newbie and I'm not! I've been there 3 years! I should be reaching out to people who are new to the church by now. Maybe I'm ashamed to tell them that I've been here for 3 years but still have no friends? I'm not really sure. But i'm tired of it and I want to act like my church is my church and reach out to the women who might feel like me! I don't think this has bothered me that much in the past but now I'm starting to feel a bit of a longing for more friendships. It kind of came out of the blue. I've been at home with Indy for more than a year now and my friend Erin was off work for nearly 9 months of that (pregnancy and baby) and we would meet weekly and I so enjoyed it. She has since gone back to work and it's harder to meet. I think I have an Erin-hole in my heart and I'm looking for someone who is also a stay-at-home mom who wants to share time with me. Also, Brandon has been working a lot lately and I miss him. I mentioned that I work as an ESL teacher online, but what I didn't mention is that I have to wake up at 3 am to teach until 6:30 am! This means that I go to bed when Indy does and Brandon and I don't get that quality time we once had in the evenings when Indy went too sleep. Don't know what you got till' it's gone, huh? So, here's where I'm at. Don't know exactly where to go from here. I want to be proactive but I'm also tired (and maybe a bit depressed) with this work schedule, hot summer hours that keep me cooped up, and lack of any family support in the desert (no family down here). I'm excited for Bible study to start back up soon once all the snowbirds come into town. I'm also considering signing up for MOPS in town but it's $12 a week for childcare and I'm not sure if that's smart right now. We will have to pray about it. I also took Indy to the library a few times last week and I met a couple moms there. It was nice to talk to them a bit. It's just so weird for me to feel lonely! I think God must really be pulling on something in my heart reminding me that I need a community. I need to figure out a game plan! I must confess that there is one thing that I think has held me back from reaching out to some people and inviting them over: our home. It is tiny. Not only that, but our carpet is completely destroyed so we got two pieces of remnant to cover it. Well, one of the pieces is all bunched up and will not sort itself out no matter how much we try to lay it back flat. I feel so insecure about it because it looks so bad. We are really having to prioritize our spending right now and a carpet remnant isn't on our list. I feel so silly wanting to cry over a lumpy carpet. It just looks so trashy and I don't want people over, especially if they are only a new acquaintance. Maybe we can always meet at the library until the carpet gets fixed :) Well, these are my thoughts today. Got any encouragement for me for going out there and grabbing myself some friends? I'm assuming it's going to involve some vulnerability and "reaching out"... both sound scary! Sorry if this was a downer today and I hope I didn't sound unappreciative or ungrateful. I love my church and my community and I am 99% sure the problem is probably me. I just need to stop be a scaredy cat and put myself out there. God bless! Hopefully you are grateful for the friends you have. I know I am, the few I have!
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About Me:Hello! I'm Roxy. Enjoy reading my thoughts as I strive to understand God's character and truth and admonish it faithfully to His church. Please email at [email protected] with inquiries. Archives
September 2018
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