I made it into my early twenties before I had ever heard about Calvinism. I mean, I had heard about Calvin and I knew that "Calvinism" existed but I knew absolutely nothing about reformed theology and what it meant. On the flip side, I had never heard the word "Arminianism" either but had, unbeknownst to me, held to those beliefs without the title. I remember where I was when I first heard about Calvinism. I had just moved to the desert, three years ago, and I was freshly re-dedicated to the Lord. I was a sponge and I spent so much of my free time reading the Word, studying theology and following many Christian blogs. I don't know how I found him but I began following Mike Ratliff's blog. He has a great blog that expounds God's Word and I ate it up. One day, however, he started talking about Calvinism. I think he began talking to people about it partially in the comments and it seemed to be a bit of a point of contention with him. He was a Calvinist and was entirely convinced that that was the way to interpret the Bible and he seemed to imply that those who didn't believe in reformed theology were very lost, uninformed, and almost heretical.
So with that, I was reminded of the word Calvinist and I hopped on Google to see what it was all about. It really rocked my world. I could not believe it! I could not believe that that was something that people, believers, believed about God! I couldn't see how they could read the Bible and see that "God". He was entirely foreign to me and was not the God I knew. I was appalled, scared, nauseous, and shaken. I don't know if this is a normal reaction but I definitely think it had to deal with my OCD. With my OCD, things have to be "right"; my thoughts, understandings, beliefs, and convictions. If something isn't "right" then it eats away at me for days, weeks, months, even years. Little did I know that God was going to take me on a journey that was completely out of my comfort zone that would lead me to trusting Him no matter who He was. After learning about something that seems to totally distort, derange, and dismantle everything you have known about your God your entire life, what do you do? You start defending! I knew that reformed theology didn't define God correctly, so I was going to learn everything about how I could disprove it. Personal anecdotes, scripture, logical thinking, whatever it took to give me the peace that Calvinism wasn't real and Arminianism was. The thing about OCD is it doesn't rest. It doesn't take breaks if you are stuck on an obsession. So, naturally, I was obsessed with "fixing" Calvinism in my head. I had to prove to myself that it wasn't real. It really consumed most of my resting moments and I knew that it had to be one way or the other (in some aspects) and that haunted me. But, at the same time, God and I had been working on tools to better work through my OCD and any obsessions I was having. I was trying to give my obsessions to the Lord and work through them. And really, by the grace of God, I felt a strong conviction to give this to the Lord, to trust Him, and to understand that it can't all be figured out right away; it was going to be a process. So I would pray to God, "God, if this is You, You have to help me to understand because I just don't get it. I haven't experienced that God and I believe it misrepresents You. Won't You help me understand, help me to see who You are." And with that began my long journey of learning about both sides of the issue. I would really have to take it in shifts over the next few years. I could only handle it so much and for so long. I would study about it, read some books on it, etc., but I would have to take breaks. I would feel my anxiety rising and I would have to hand it over to the Lord. All the while, I was really just looking at it from the Arminian point of view. I was reading books and blogs written by Arminians who were "disproving" Calvinism. This is all fine and well unless you are actually trying to figure out who God is not just who you think God is. There were holes in Arminanism and my biggest struggle was with prayer. How can I pray for others and ask for things without affecting their free will? This hole was (and still is) really difficult for me to reconcile. In my life nowadays I really feel the need to try and look at things from both sides and from a well-rounded point of view. This isn't with every topic, of course. I'm not going to go read a book about why there is no God, but I would read a book about all of the different discussions within Christianity. I want to hear and understand both sides. I believe this new desire started springing up during this time of struggle with Calvinism. I realized I hadn't really given it a voice yet and I couldn't not acknowledge that there were many, many, many Calvinist theologians in our church history that had profoundly impacted our understandings and doctrines today. I was not going to have the ego to say they were all wrong without really listening to what it was all about. I started researching books about Calvinism by Calvinists. Not surprisingly, I stumbled onto Chosen By God by RC Sproul. I dove in. It is a very impactful book. Whether one believes in reformed theology or not, it is an important read. It takes something that seems so monstrous and unbelievable on the surface and puts it into a perspective that contains love, truth, and, of course, sovereignty. If nothing else, it humbled me. I finished the book feeling encouraged, a bit at peace, and with a knew respect for Calvinists and a new trust in God. God can be whoever He is without my permission and without my understanding. He is God. You know how after you read a book, you feel entirely convinced for the first few days and then it kind of slowly fades away? Well, that's what happened. Calvinism really helped my issue with prayer and some of the difficult passages in the Old Testament, but it caused a lot of problems with the issue of free will and a lot of the passages in the New Testament that clearly point to it. But I began realizing that both Arminians and Calvinists typically hold their beliefs based on Biblical truths and that their faith should never be discounted because of their beliefs on this topic alone (as long as they have worked through these truths and worked out their faith for themselves). I think this was a healthy realization to come to, knowing that there can be disagreement among godly, wise, and well-read believers and theologians. It also comes as no surprise that there are a lot more areas of contention among believers where both sides have good arguments and can back up the truth with scripture. More topics for different posts perhaps? So where does this leave me, after this long journey? Well, by God's divine decree (have to throw in some Calvinist lingo here), I am a bit in no man's land. I'm not entirely sure. I'm not entirely convinced either way. And, I'm not entirely bothered by that anymore. I think I'm right where God has me right now for a reason and perhaps He will lead me to one side or the other sooner or later, but it will be in His timing. I get to learn patience and trust right now and wait for His truth to be revealed when He wishes. To be honest, I'm a bit burned out right now, too. I can't spend too much time on that topic at the moment. Plus, there are so many other things that I want to read about and learn about right now. I will say, at this point, I might lean a little bit more towards the reformed side, but again, some of the verses in the New Testament really seem to show otherwise. I could go over them in another post. I will end on this thought that I had the other night. It could mean something; it could mean nothing. It could be theologically unreasonable or it could be "profound". Nevertheless, it was a prayer from my heart, and it touched me and it humbled me. It went something like this: "God, if You have chosen me from before time to be Your child, I am eternally humbled and thankful. I am undeserving. And if I was not chosen by unconditional election but by the conditional election of believing, then thank You for giving me a spirit within me that was humble enough to answer your call and believe. Without a humble spirit, no one could come to You. I could never produce that humble spirit, it comes from You only. Either way, I am so humbled by the work You had to do to get me to You. It is by You and You alone that I am able to come into Your presence and say that I am a child of God." God bless!
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About Me:Hello! I'm Roxy. Enjoy reading my thoughts as I strive to understand God's character and truth and admonish it faithfully to His church. Please email at [email protected] with inquiries. Archives
September 2018
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