Wow. It really has been almost two years. A lot has changed since then, and a lot has stayed the same. We are still in the desert of Southern California, living in the same apartment, and enjoying being married to each other. But now we have a little daughter, Indiana, and our dog, Bailey, past away last year. This post isn't really a catch-up post because I just want to dive in. I'll answer two important questions, however: Do I still love the Lord? and Do I still agree with everything I wrote? Yes, I still love the Lord dearly and I long for His truth and to truly understand His heart. I also agree with most of what I wrote two long years ago. There is a twinge of naivety but I think anyone looking back on something they wrote would think that. It's kind of like watching a video of yourself; you get so annoyed and cringe at some of the things you said. But I think the stuff that I wrote could be backed up with scripture, as could some of my new outlooks on those topics. But perhaps another discussion for another time.
I was lying in bed the other night before Brandon got home and I kept hearing noises. I knew it was "nothing" but something about them really frightened me. Much more than something like that would have in my early twenties. It got me thinking about how I've changed in the past (almost) 8 years during my journey through the twenties. Some of them were really insightful and some were just silly, but I wanted to share them here. 1. I get scared more easily. Goes without saying but I really have noticed a transition in this as I've gotten older (I know that "older" is relative but it is the term I will be using here). I used to really like scary movies when I was in my early teens and I would often brag about how nothing would scare me. I outgrew the desire to watch scary movies in my early twenties but I certainly wasn't genuinely scared of them either. Now, it's been a long time since I've watched a scary movie and it is never something I would go out of my way to watch. Even thinking about scary movies or watching previews make me somewhat nauseous. Maybe it's the element of darkness that is blanketed over all of them, or maybe it's the gore and constant state of discomfort I am in. But it's more than scary movies. Brandon and I watched numerous British crime shows on Netflix this past winter/spring and I love them. However, I was shocked when I began noticing I was a little bit scared walking to the bathroom in the dark at night. I would hop back into bed as quickly as possible and remind myself that it was irrational. I guess why this shift has stood out to me is because I always imagined becoming less scared as I got older and had to protect my little ones and be strong for them, but it has definitely turned out to be the opposite. Perhaps it's because I know the darkness in the world a little bit more and because I now have more on the line. Either way, don't ask me to go see the next horror film, please! 2.My brain freezes last longer Brain freeze, cold ache, cold-stimulus headache, call it what you will but gosh, those things have gotten way more intense as I have gotten older! Ouch! They last longer and hit me hard. They have become increasingly intense as I've aged (yes, aged). 3. My appetite has shifted Oh, I still want junkfood! That will never change, but I definitely don't feel as famished as I used to when I was growing. I also don't think my binge-ing tendencies are as strong as they once were. It was a moderate issue for a while in my teens to early twenties. Thankfully it has dissipated quite a bit! 4. My skin is more sensitive I'm not sure if your skin is just way more resilient when you're younger or if I just ignored all of the warning signs growing up, but my skin is officially sensitive! I have a good routine now so we are doing alright but I have bad reactions to so many different products that are supposed to be good for your skin. Oh well, less products=less money spent I guess. 5. Reading is more important to me I cannot stress this enough, if you told me I was going to like reading in 7 years when I was 20, I would have thought you were crazy and that I turned into a boring, old lady. Harry Potter was the only thing I would read and the only thing I enjoyed reading. I suspect it was being burnt out on reading from all the mandatory reading in school, but I really hated it. My mom once said it was her biggest disappointment with me (that was before she realized how I could actually disappoint her!). But now, she is proud to know that her dear daughter loves to read! Something about obtaining more knowledge is so empowering and against the grain of our society and culture these days (at least for the youngins). It's refreshing and feels so "retro"... How millennial did that sound? But it's true, I love reading and I love getting my information that way more than watching a lecture or listening to a podcast. There is something so permanent about it being in your possession in actual written and typed words. So much thought and solidification goes into a book, article, post. It feels so much more binding than podcasts and videos. Probably because our culture is always moving so quickly on to the next thing, a lecture or podcast is quick to get replaced by the next one and forgotten, but we always have books on our shelves to remind us of their permanency. 6. Music isn't as important to me In contrast, as written words have begun to mean more to me, sung ones have begun to mean less. I should clarify that if I were to read the lyrics, they would probably mean more to me than just hearing them sung with music accompaniment. This may be really offensive to some people, and I can think of probably 5 people off the top of my head that would be appalled that I'm saying this (the number is growing as I type), but music just doesn't hold me the way it once used to. Music was everything during my teens and early twenties. I used to say that one of the most intimate thing a person could do was let someone look at their Ipod. I let music speak for me and carry my mood, and emphasize who I was. But music for me was always more about setting in stone who I was than expressing who I was. For instance, empowering lyrics made me feel important, desired, and irresistible rather than actually declaring to the world that I was those things. It always felt like my music was trying to convince me of who I was or wanted to be. It was a very emotional thing. Anytime I hear a song from growing up, I can almost tell you exactly where it takes me, who I was with, what stage of life I was in, what it made me feel like, and who it made me want to be. Because of this attachment to music, when I gave my life back to the Lord, I really had to watch what I listened to, because I tended to get swept up with whatever was playing. Knowing how music affects me makes it easier to not really listen to it much. I don't want to be emotional, swept up, caught off guard. I want to be vigilant. I want to be a watchful warrior. So, music has taken a back seat. 7. Less emotional Because of my search and desire for vigilance, I have become, overall, much less emotional over the years. I am much more stoic, don't have as many ups and downs and am more resilient and faithful. This is a good and bad thing. I don't want to live my life by emotions as the world does, but I also don't want to ever get a hard, calloused heart. So there is a balance to be learned. Luckily, Indy keeps my heart very soft in all things parenting. She has been a great tool in keeping me balanced. 8. Embracing my natural beauty Not to be confused with calling myself beautiful, I am simply just embracing how God has made me more. I wear minimal makeup, natural hair color and styles (AKA lazy and easy), and my clothes are much more minimal and muted (I am very happy with gray and black). Again, if 22 year old me saw what I looked like now, she would be in shock. Indeed, anyone from my college days probably would. This is not to say I am frumpy! I have never felt more confident in my natural features God has given me and it feels empowering to just be myself and focus on other things that are more important to me. I just outgrew myself, which is something I think many late twenty and early thirty year-olds get to experience, thankfully. Well, that's my list. Just a fun way to dive back into the blogosphere. An easier post to start with than some of the other topics I want to tackle. Hopefully you will want to stick around for some of the future posts as things will get a bit more serious. What are some of the ways you have changed over the years? Would love to hear!
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About Me:Hello! I'm Roxy. Enjoy reading my thoughts as I strive to understand God's character and truth and admonish it faithfully to His church. Please email at [email protected] with inquiries. Archives
September 2018
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